Femdom Dating – Setting Limits

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I’ve talked about setting limits before in my dating tips, but I wanted to revisit this in more detail. I can’t tell you the number of times I have received the thirst messages of “I’ll do anything for you Mistress!” Then there is the desperation and outright recklessness I see in online groups about how someone has “no limits” because they think that’s what total submission is. That is not to mention the horror stories I read from submissives who have dealt with Tops who disregard their limits altogether.

I really feel like we need a good talk about limits and how important they are to Femdom dating.

Before I begin, though, I do not want to shame you for your Femdom fantasies. I admit there is something enticing about the idea of someone who will let you do anything – anything – that you want to their body. I can certainly see why a submissive would want the comfort of being able to so absolutely trust their Domme that they would not need to set limits. Their Domme would simply know how far to push them.

Both thoughts are lovely; but we’re human. So, let’s get started.

What Are Limits?

Limits are very simply, the things you will not do in a Femdom dating relationship or what you will not allow someone else to do to you. Often, we use the terms soft limits and hard limits to indicate just how firm a limit is. However, no Domme should ever push any kind of limit, no matter how soft, unless you have asked Her to do it. If you do want to differentiate between degrees of limits,

  • Soft Limits are things that you are not ready to do but with negotiation are willing to possibly explore later.
  • Hard Limits are completely off the table and not open to negotiation.

An important note, your limits can and often do change over time. You may find after learning more about kinks that something that was a soft limit has become a hard limit. Sometimes as you build trust with a Domme, you may find that a hard limit becomes something might want to explore. We change as people, so it is always important to revisit your own limits and if necessary talk to your partner about them.

Limits are not, however, just your list of Don’ts and No Go’s. They are also,

  • Your Power
  • Your Trust
  • Your Sex Appeal

Limits Are Your Power

BDSM is about power exchange, whether you are in a full-on Domme/sub relationship or enjoying the Top/bottom energy of a good kink scene. While a Domme in a Femdom dating relationship may have control, her power comes from the submissive. That power is expressed through the limits you set forth as the submissive. They are not weakness. One of the hardest things we can do as Femdoms and submissives is recognize our own limitations.

Limits Are Your Trust

Something else I have heard people express from both sides of the / is that if you “trust” your “Dominant”, you won’t set limits. Setting aside the pure recklessness and red flags of such a statement, it’s just patently false. When you lay out your limits to your Domme, you trust Her to respect them and She earns your trust by doing so.

Limits Are Your Sex Appeal

I’m just going to say it outright: your limits are sexy. Femdom dating is not about being weak or letting a woman do whatever they want to you. When someone tells me their limits, they communicate three very simple and sexy things to me.

  • They have taken time to explore themselves
  • They know what they want and need
  • They understand how power exchange works

The Often Overlooked Limits

Submissives are not the only ones with Limits. Dominants have them too. As a Femdom, I have a list of things that I will not do, even if those things are not on a potential partner’s list. Just as a Dominant must always respect a submissive’s limits, the sub in turn has to respect their Domme’s limits. Trust is a two-way street. If you know that an activity is not something your Femdom is willing to do, don’t try to push Her for it.

Negotiating Limits

This can be dicey, and everyone approaches negotiating limits a little differently. For some people, limits are an absolute and if one person in a potential Femdom dating relationship is not onboard with the other person’s limits then everything stops there. Other people are willing to listen to what someone has to say about their limits and decide if certain things are negotiable or not. Usually those negotiable items are somewhere around the soft limit spectrum.

What you want to avoid in Femdom dating is manipulation of limits. If you are a submissive and you have limits, you need accept that those limits will mean that you will not be compatible with some Femdoms. The same goes for Femdoms. Our limits may not make us compatible with some subs. Likewise, if what we want does not match up to a potential sub’s limits, we have to accept that we’re not compatible.

That’s just dating. In vanilla dating, you’re not going to be compatible with every person you meet and speak to, no matter how attractive or sexy they are. Why would you think kinky dating would be any different? The only difference between incompatibility risks in vanilla vs BDSM dating is that in BDSM dating, we’re more upfront about communicating what we are into and looking for.

There is a difference though, between “I see your limits and there are things there I want to explore with a partner, so I don’t think we’re compatible” and “If a submissive wants to date me, they can’t have these limits.”

While technically both statements say the same thing, the second has implications that should be red flags to any submissive. A Domme should never dictate your limits to you and that second statement is said by the kind of person who looks at a limit list not as your power, but as their challenge.

But limits are not a challenge. Limits are the trust we put in each other – my trust that you know yourself and your trust that I will not harm you, no matter how much you want me to hurt you.

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